Setting Limits and Boundaries with Kids

  An essential component of good parenting is creating parameters for children to live within. These parameters or
  boundaries help kids relax and feel secure. One example is the expanding corral concept. After birth a baby is
  swaddled in a blanket and this might be called the child’s first boundary. Following that they move to the expanse
  of their crib, their room, the house, the yard the ultimately the world. Through this process there are limits and
  these limits help the child to be/feel safe and to know what is socially appropriate behavior. Without these  
  boundaries the child will not feel comfortable and secure and will push the limits until the parents (or the world)
  says stop. Take for example getting a new job. On your first day your new boss says “Do a good job.” You say,
  “Please define a good job.” Your boss says “oh, you will figure it out.” Hence no limits, no boundaries, no
  definition and no way of know if you are performing your duties correctly. This would create stress and
  insecurity about your future with your new job. Likewise, kids need to have parents who will make the effort
   to create an environment where they know what is and is not acceptable. This does not mean creating a
  concentration camp setting but rather learning to live within logical and reasonable limits. Again, this is
   parenting and takes some effort, sometimes prioritizing the child’s needs over your own.

Acquiring your child’s love or respect?

  Wouldn’t it be nice if we could have both! Well often we can but sometimes we cannot. In the end, you
  will do the best parenting by falling more into the respect category. Parents who seek their children’s
  love often also want to be their kid’s friend. If that is your goal then you will not be able to set fair
  and reasonable boundaries and follow through with appropriate punishments as needed. It is a logical
  conundrum as we want a loving relationship with our kids but often confound this by not being able to
  provide structure and follow through. When we allow our child to break the rules and not have a
  consequence we are engaged in active education. By this you are educating your child to not follow
  the rules in the future. You are saying, “though I have reasonable rules for you, I will not parent you
  by administering the punishment.” If you child has half a brain they will interpret this to mean that when
  they disobey they will get off the hook by either being sad, defiant or angry. If you follow through with
  parenting, that is, you follow through with their punishment, they will learn you mean business and will
  not be pushed around. Also they will respect you and in the end love you.

Creating a Behavior Modification Program (BMP)

  Behavior modification programs can be simple and amazing tools. They are best used as a method 
  to help the child; as compared to simply a means to control them. Yet, some of both is often 
  necessary. Kids will push boundaries and limits. This is both normal and appropriate as it is a 
  means by which they learn to understand and adapt to world they live in. A BMP can be set up in 
  several different ways. The most common is based upon punishment, or withholding. Here, 
  certain behaviors are found to be unacceptable to the parent. That unacceptable behavior is 
  clearly defined and then specific negative/withholding consequences are connected to that 
  behavior. E.g. your child refuses to do her homework. After making a (failed) attempt to reason 
  with the child you create a plan that requires the child to have their homework done each 
  evening   before they can have access to their phone. Homework not completed; no phone. 
  There is no need for anger, yelling, condemnation etc., at least not from the parent. Your job 
  is simple... create the plan and follow through, cause and effect. Naturally, some kids will 
  say “I don’t care about my phone” and imply they will not be effected by your BMP. That is 
  rarely the case as whether it is the phone, the car or video games, most kids will eventually 
  want these “privileges” back. A second BMP involves positive reinforcement for good behavior. 
  Per the above example, a chart is created where the child receives a star each evening for 
  getting their homework done. After the child acquires a certain number of stars they receive 
  a reward. This could be in the form   of money (allowance), a new toy, more use of the car 
  or phone, having a friend over, etc. You naturally want to identify what the child considers 
  a “reward.” The biggest problem with these programs is that it requires the parent to create 
  the program and then follow through. It is some work but the return on your investment can 
  be enormous.